Self sabotage?

I am wondering if I am sabotaging my current job to go and try a new job? I wonder if I am "letting" myself be fired/laid off  so that I have no choice but to try the new enterprise?  How do you stop doing this?  I think I am doing it, but I can't really stop. because the threat of getting fired doesn't compare to the excitement to get out and work on my own?

KH

Ever have one of these days?

Have you had a day where you wanted to turn the car around on the way to work and go home? or go to a movie? or just do anything other than go to work?  Well today was one of those days.  Not because you were sick, or because you had something to do at home, but just because.  Just because you have had enough of the race, the continuous routine.  Now try doing this for months.  I think you understand how I feel.  When what you do every day, for most of your day does not excite you.  Except for little pockets here and there.  It is a dismal way to live.  I know many(most) people do this day in and day out and do it to survive.  But what is survival if you don't live?

I have ADD or ADHD or whatever, never offically diagnosed other than by myself.  Medicated slightly support my family and myself.  The thing with ADD is that it decreases the tolerance for boredom.  I get bored so easily that I will create something, good or bad, to excite me.  As you can guess this is most often bad, seeing that it is easier.  This leads to pain and suffering, but it also prevents boredom and provides my brain the dopamine that it craves.  But of course it is a bad way to get the dopamine.  The most common way people get this kick of dopamine is with stimulants.  Whether this is meds like methylphenidate (Ritalin or Concerta) or meth amphetamines, or caffiene or situational stimulants like fast driving, risk taking and extreme sports.   Examples of ADD perfect jobs are trail lawyers, CEOs, race car drivers and any other profession that demands short term extreme concentration and attention. 

Contrary to popular belief the badly named, ADD is NOT an attention defficit disorder.  It is more of an attention inconsitency syndrome.  By this I mean, that you can focus or hyper focus on a task, forsaking all else for hours if it excites you.  For example, if you are building a model car one day, you may spend all day building it, get it 99% done in the time someone else would do 50% done.  You finally have to go to bed at 2 am because you have to go to work the next day.  The next you may have little to no interest in spending an hour to finish the project.  This is seen as failure by many people, this is seen as a waste of time.  We are lead to believe that everything must be finished to be complete.  I don't agree with this, to me the experience and reward of doing, is much greater than saying I finished something.  This is very true of most things.  Yes, somethings need to be finished and I am very proud that I was able to complete it.  I was very glad to complete college, even though I almost didin't.  I almost flunked out in the last and easiest term.  I did 2.5 years of college straight and almost killed it in 3 months.  I also don't have my diploma.  I am pretty sure I have it, but I have never bothered to get the piece of paper.  It never mattered to me.

This post started off with me wanting to turn the car around and do something I wasn't supposed to do.  If you groked what I said in the last couple of paragraphs you will understand why.  I was trying to create some excitement, some dopamine/adrenaline excitement.  I was trying to do something "bad" to be able to feel whole.  I am a crisis junkie, I have realized this recently.  I crave/thrive on chaos.  If it isn't there, I will procrastinate until it is a crisis.  I survive at home, because there are always crisies, but at work there aren't all the time.  Many people like these times, I can't stand them.  I will surf the web all day instead of doing work that I can do.  Because right now it bores the crap out of me.  I just can't do it.  I just can't.

I need a new job.  I need to find one that is a short term engagement all the time, where things change every day, learning something every day or a new contract every few months.  I have not stayed at a job for more than about 2 years.  I just can't do it. I think I need to have my own consulting/contracting business.  Something that changes all the time.  I just have this little thing called family. Well it is a big thing and I am very glad to have them all.  Sometimes I wish I could do what this guy is doing, but in Canada.  Http://thefatmanwalking.com.  Steve is an overweight ex-marine that is waking across the US for his physical and mental health.  I wish I had the freedom/balls to do that or something like that.

Okay, I am done... for now.  More coming soon.

Kid Herder

Nickerblog picture.

Picture on another bloggers site. nickerblog.com. Great site. He just can't edit photos. :) I am the photo nazi and it just makes me sad when people don't take the 3 minutes to do a little bit of tweaking to a photo to make it look right. I don't think the blue haze in the original brought out the true cuteness of Lucy. I have kids as well and I just can't help but help out a fellow blogger.

This is the updated picture that I worked on. Only took 2 minutes with Picasa. 

So much fun.

Why do we always make our lives so complicated? Why when we think we can't make it any worse we do?

Wicked dream this morning..

I dreamt that that I had a Japanese girlfriend that knew that I had a wife and was okay with it. My wife knew as well.  Then I was visited by my old cat... It was weird....

Follow your nose... what if your nose always points down?

What if your only direction is down? If all you can see is the same piece of dirt or pavement day after day? Do you go on or try to point somewhere different? I am feeling lost again. I can only find meaning in half of my day, the half with my family. The other half, which unfortunately takes up the biggest part of my day, is utterly boring to me. I cannot reliably get excited about what I have to do every day. I know this has to do with the ADD, but I cannot shake this feeling like I am wasting the day. I haven't lasted more than about 2 years at a single company. In the tech industry that isn't such a big deal, since most people don't. Most of the moves have been because I am just plain bored. I have learnt the product, or whatever I have to learn and now I just have to use the knowledge... boring!!! I need to be learning all the time. So you say, 'Go back to school'. Unfortunately school ends up being worse than work. I need a new challenge all the time. With my kids, that part of it is not a problem... if they would only sleep through the night.

Meds.

I sure can tell if I don't take my meds at the usual time. Takes longer to get going in the morning. Makes me want to write here. I just don't feel like doing anything... Now it is 2 hours after I got to work and still nothing of substance. sucks. ahhh. Hmm, ahh. ohoo..

Ouch.

Society is a gun. Don't point it at yourself. Society is a disease. Wash your hands frequently.

hmmm?

A pondering title. I think most of my life is in a pondering state. Kind of walking around, directionless, doing as I am told, being reprimanded like a child if I make my own decisions. I have no real goals, other than to make money, spend time with my family and make it to tomorrow. That sounds very gloomy but it isn't. Nothing dark there, just a feeling of "whatever". (Me speak good English. ) I am not sure what motivates me. Sure the usual short term goals do; money, sex, excitement, a little danger, those kinds of things. These things can only motivate me when they are right within reach. If the goal is farther off than say a month, it cannot provide any push for me.

This lack of motivation may be one of the "joys" of inattentive ADD, or it just might be me. The new drugs are good. I can do my daily work, (except when I am posting here ;) But I still don't feel motivated. Do I have to get used to the feeling? Do I not know what it is? Do I have to fake it for a while to get used to it? Is it like sex where if you are not aroused, but the act of doing arousing acts will make you horney? All questions only I can answer.

Fun with friends

We met with some friends again. They have reiterated that they would like to get together again to "play". We have played before but we had to take a vacation from it for a while. Too much was going on and we had to stop. We want to play again and so do they. We will probably get back into it within the next year in small steps.

Just the thought of being with them is intriguing again. They visited us yesterday and we started talking about sex and swinging. She, lets call her Emmy, sounds like she is much more comfortable with her body now. Before when we played, Emmy had issues with her body and how she looked. My wife and I are not Hollywood perfect by any means and we are very accepting. Emmy and her man(TJ) were having "problems" but as far as I can tell they have worked things our and are more secure in their relationship. Emmy has also put on a bit of weight which is fine to everyone else concern... she has huge knockers now. :) She likes them too. Hmm, boobies.

That night we had some of the best sex we have had in over a year. Been quite pathetic lately in general. We are getting better, everything is getting better. Everything on the up swing.

My wife(Honey) is also curious about TJ. Since the last time we played he got a PA piercing. Honey doesn't want me to get a PA, (I hope you don't Honey) but she wants to know how it feels.

It is going to be very interesting in the coming months/years...

The joys of legal stimulants

I am liking this new stuff. There is no rush, there is no crash at the end. Very smooth, very clean. Not harsh at all. I have motivation and energy into the evening, the days don't seem to overwhelm me. I have only been taking it for a few days now, but I like it so far. Except for the good case of the runs that it gives. I may(am) be lactose intollerant and of course all these meds have lactose in them. We will see if it steadies itself out over the next little while. I am also taking acidophilus that should help a bit.