Ever have one of these days?

Have you had a day where you wanted to turn the car around on the way to work and go home? or go to a movie? or just do anything other than go to work?  Well today was one of those days.  Not because you were sick, or because you had something to do at home, but just because.  Just because you have had enough of the race, the continuous routine.  Now try doing this for months.  I think you understand how I feel.  When what you do every day, for most of your day does not excite you.  Except for little pockets here and there.  It is a dismal way to live.  I know many(most) people do this day in and day out and do it to survive.  But what is survival if you don't live?

I have ADD or ADHD or whatever, never offically diagnosed other than by myself.  Medicated slightly support my family and myself.  The thing with ADD is that it decreases the tolerance for boredom.  I get bored so easily that I will create something, good or bad, to excite me.  As you can guess this is most often bad, seeing that it is easier.  This leads to pain and suffering, but it also prevents boredom and provides my brain the dopamine that it craves.  But of course it is a bad way to get the dopamine.  The most common way people get this kick of dopamine is with stimulants.  Whether this is meds like methylphenidate (Ritalin or Concerta) or meth amphetamines, or caffiene or situational stimulants like fast driving, risk taking and extreme sports.   Examples of ADD perfect jobs are trail lawyers, CEOs, race car drivers and any other profession that demands short term extreme concentration and attention. 

Contrary to popular belief the badly named, ADD is NOT an attention defficit disorder.  It is more of an attention inconsitency syndrome.  By this I mean, that you can focus or hyper focus on a task, forsaking all else for hours if it excites you.  For example, if you are building a model car one day, you may spend all day building it, get it 99% done in the time someone else would do 50% done.  You finally have to go to bed at 2 am because you have to go to work the next day.  The next you may have little to no interest in spending an hour to finish the project.  This is seen as failure by many people, this is seen as a waste of time.  We are lead to believe that everything must be finished to be complete.  I don't agree with this, to me the experience and reward of doing, is much greater than saying I finished something.  This is very true of most things.  Yes, somethings need to be finished and I am very proud that I was able to complete it.  I was very glad to complete college, even though I almost didin't.  I almost flunked out in the last and easiest term.  I did 2.5 years of college straight and almost killed it in 3 months.  I also don't have my diploma.  I am pretty sure I have it, but I have never bothered to get the piece of paper.  It never mattered to me.

This post started off with me wanting to turn the car around and do something I wasn't supposed to do.  If you groked what I said in the last couple of paragraphs you will understand why.  I was trying to create some excitement, some dopamine/adrenaline excitement.  I was trying to do something "bad" to be able to feel whole.  I am a crisis junkie, I have realized this recently.  I crave/thrive on chaos.  If it isn't there, I will procrastinate until it is a crisis.  I survive at home, because there are always crisies, but at work there aren't all the time.  Many people like these times, I can't stand them.  I will surf the web all day instead of doing work that I can do.  Because right now it bores the crap out of me.  I just can't do it.  I just can't.

I need a new job.  I need to find one that is a short term engagement all the time, where things change every day, learning something every day or a new contract every few months.  I have not stayed at a job for more than about 2 years.  I just can't do it. I think I need to have my own consulting/contracting business.  Something that changes all the time.  I just have this little thing called family. Well it is a big thing and I am very glad to have them all.  Sometimes I wish I could do what this guy is doing, but in Canada.  Http://thefatmanwalking.com.  Steve is an overweight ex-marine that is waking across the US for his physical and mental health.  I wish I had the freedom/balls to do that or something like that.

Okay, I am done... for now.  More coming soon.

Kid Herder